[Editor's note: We occasionally run rants from readers on various NASCAR subjects. Today, we bring you the work of Doug Cook, who has helpfully footnoted his work. Enjoy. --JB]
I hate Jimmie Johnson.
There, I said it. I hate everything about him. I hate his sponsor. I hate his manufacturer. I hate his owner. I hate his teammates[1]. I even hate that stupid beard he grew at the start of the season[2].
Why such venom? It started innocently enough: when I became a fan, I had to find two important pieces to complete the dramatic viewing experience I was looking for: a hero and a villain. The hero was found quickly in Dale Earnhardt Jr. A young driver in only his second year who showed promise and had the ridiculously juicy subplot of adversity[3]. The other side ended up being Jeff Gordon, he of the rainbow car[4] and alleged jerkiness[5]. Jeff Gordon, conveniently enough, was the anti-Earnhardt. But then emerged a bigger threat. A young up-and-coming driver named Jimmie Johnson, handpicked by the villain to kneel at his tree of knowledge. It was like Star Wars all over again, with Earnhardt as the fatherless youth with some raw talent up against the incredible power of Gordon's Palpatine and Johnson's Vader[6].
Johnson played the role so well, eventually becoming the main villain, as Gordon turned into a JAD[7]. He won a lot, with Earnhardt winning several battles here and there[8]. Better yet, that 48 car kept getting into run-ins with NASCAR's tech inspectors, becoming an even bigger villain in my eyes. Coupled with his reputation as a choke artist[9], he made the perfect villain: a threat who was eventually defeated at season's end. It was so perfect.
And then it happened. Johnson won a championship. Then he staged a ridiculous comeback to win another[10]. After that he just flat-out dominated to win another. Even worse, his run-ins with NASCAR became non-existent. What the hell?! Talk about owning us haters. I hate him because he abandoned my great story. He was supposed to be the powerful, flawed villain. He doesn't even fit as a jerk! I hate him because, unfortunately, he is a cool guy. He raced Baja and motorcycles. He surfed on a golf cart at risk of life and limb[11]. He pointed out in an interview that Jimmy Spencer asked him how he still "gets it up[12]". That's a joke I would have made!
So I hate Jimmie Johnson. I hate him because he made the hero in my drama a fool. I hate him because he is almost flawless on the track[13]. I hate him because, in all honesty, he's a pretty cool guy. In short, I hate him because he gives me no good reason to hate him. Now all I can do, all I could ever do, is sit back and watch him march toward history, seeing red every step of the way as he takes down Mark Martin...
I got it! I hate him because he's taking away Mark Martin's championship[14]![1] Well, I hate Gordon at least.
[2] You're supposed to be a pretty boy, remember? SHAVE IT OFF!
[3] If you're reading this, you know what I'm referencing.
[4] How feminine!
[5] [There was another word here, but this is a family site. --JB]
[6] I'm still not convinced Johnson is not Earnhardt's father.
[7] Just Another Driver.
[8] The year? 2004.
[9] Put yourself back into 2005. It was there.
[10] That was when he permanently lost the title of Choke Artist.
[11] Or perhaps just wrists.
[12] To race every week as competitively as the last, you pervert.
[13] I appreciate the effort nonetheless, Mr. Hornish.
[14] The way I still hate Kevin Harvick for taking away Martin's Daytona 500 in 2007!
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