From the Couch: The fix had to be in at Indy

How was your weekend, Juan?

Not so good. I lost a race.

Oh yeah, how?

By speeding.

...

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense, it sort of goes against the premise of the sport. After all, he was clearly the fastest - everywhere on the track.

Poor Juan. My couch was pulling for him. But I must admit, I'm a conspiracy theorist on this one. I mean, come on, how in the world did EGR field a car so dominant? Lighting bolts don't really make cars go faster, despite what Dale Jarrett may think.

It all seemed a bit scripted: JPM, former Indy 500 champ and minority NASCAR racer, pacing the field, dominating his old stomping grounds, and stealing the show reserved for big names and big teams. It had just enough plausibility to it that it could be sold. Only, NASCAR realized that they couldn't reward Teresa as that would violate Section 12-1 of the rule book, actions detrimental to stock car racing, and the plug got pulled at the last minute.

And wow did that suck for Juan, his team, and even his family. (Though not so much for the fans, including the 12 in attendance, because it allowed for a race to the finish.) Juan responded with a denial so convoluted and conspiratorial Mayfield's lawyers took notes. Then, he offered up his wife and kids in exchange for the victory.

"I swear on my children and wife that I was not speeding."

Now, Helton, if you are listening, what does the rulebook say about that? You keep a close eye on things, so you've clearly seen his wife. If he swore on, say, Roseanne Barr, he was actually speeding. Barbara Streisand, yup, speeding. Hillary Clinton, by god, he was utilizing nitrous and posi-traction. But Connie Fraydell? You don't go trading Connie in for victory, especially in Indiana .

(Though I don't even really know what that means. I swear on my wife? Yeah, me too. I'm pretty sure at some point or another, everyone swears on their wife. I think it's an unspoken tenet of marriage. Now, if he meant to swear on his wife's life, now that's a different story.)

A lot has been made about his five-second lead and the fact that he needn't speed with such a dominant car and enviable cushion. But look, it's a natural reaction. JPM just happens to spend his professional life hurling automobiles down race tracks at ungodly speeds. His job is to push the envelope; that's what racing is. And it's not like success has come easy for him in NASCAR, so the idea that he was pressing is entirely conceivable. He wanted to win so badly, he was pushing it everywhere he could, which included somewhere he shouldn't.

Positively for EGR, Juan was racing himself (he had no peers in the race formerly known as the Allstate 400 at the Brickyard presented by Golden Corral at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in Indianapolis brought to you by ESPN). Negatively for EGR, Juan lost to himself. And after the race, he put it in perspective, sealing his sound bite victory for the day.

"That car was stupid fast."

Yes, Juan, it was. It was both.