From the Couch: Mark Martin flows with ... Gucci Mane?

Honestly? Mark Martin listens to Gucci Mane?

Gucci Mane? Mark Martin? What the hell? He's messing with us, right? The fact that Mark Martin knows who Gucci Mane is scares me. The fact that he lifts weights while rocking out to Gucci Mane downright disturbs me. The mental image of Mark Martin pumping himself up in a mirror, blowing up his eight different sets of bicep curls, and popping about (with his hat turned backward, I picture) while shouting, "I'm starting off my day with a blunt of purp/no pancakes just a cup of syrup" is the single most bizzaro thought to cross my mind in decades.

And let's be frank, Gucci Mane sucks. Purp and syrup don't even rhyme.

Junior finally expressed what everyone unambiguously knew - that his season is one big dump - and yet it was still ubiquitous news. (Yes, I understand why.) But Mark Martin professed his man love for the CEO of So Icy Entertainment and no one noticed? If I were Mike Helton, I'd forget about Jeremy Mayfield and get those drug testers to Mark Martin's house stat.

Rockstar lifestyle mic don't make it
Living life high everyday click wasted
Sippin on purple stuff rolling up stanked
Wake up in the morning ain't 10 o'clock drinkin
Party party party let's all get wasted
Shake it for me babygirl do it butt naked

I rest my case.

(Okay, no I don't. I have too many questions? Mark knows that his first name isn't really Gucci, right? Does Mark know what a blunt is? Is Gucci honored to count Mark as a fan? Does Mark hang backstage at his shows? Has Mark given Gucci a ride-along? Should I start looking over my shoulder?)

Okay, so we've now established that Mark Martin has a sense of humor - a damn good one at that. What else did we learn this week?

Oh yeah, Junior has seasonal affective disorder. He is clearly sad. Fair enough. I hate winter, too.

Also, JPM can whine, man-oh-man can he whine. He takes the adult male hissy-fit to a whole new level. That is not constructive criticism. It's crapping out of the mouth.

Brian Pattie: Juan, how's the car buddy?

JPM: Refuse. Swill. Flotsam. I most dislike Jeff Gordon. I swear Kevin Harvick looks like Philip Rivers. Turn two smells like old lady breath. Rubbish, I tell you. I fart a bowel movement on this car.

Or, you know, thereabouts.

I'm positive there isn't a driver out there who hasn't completely wronged him. And I loved that he blamed Jeff Gordon for his torn up car on Saturday night. No, Juan, that wasn't Jeff's fault. You see, he was leading the race. What? You still don't understand? Look, just relax, breath deeply and repeat after Gucci:

My flow is amazing hottest in the nation
Ice game super stupid but my money game crazy.

Hey, it's worked for Mark.