Wednesday, October 7, 2009

From the Couch: It's racing, not tiddlywinks

Please do not tell me that Brad Keselowski got flagged for illegal hands to the face. Tell me that was a joke. Because if true, quite simply, that's horse$&#%.

This is NASCAR, not women's lacrosse (whoa-up there Ani DiFranco, I'm talking about the non-contact juxtaposition; trust me when I tell you that I venerated women's lacrosse in college). They aren't shadow boxing. This isn't golf. It's a stock car race, a sport built on machismo, bravado and the primitive, feral awareness to flee whomever happens to be behind you (like running from the cops, or for you kids, the boogey man) and beat the hell out of whomever is in front of you (you know, like talking to an airline ticket clerk, or for you college students, like standing in line at White Castle).

Apparently, during Sunday's race, Brad Keselowski was told by race officials to drive like a wussy around Chase drivers (or, if you prefer a mature interpretation, "to tone it down").

Boo.

This wasn't the Bodine brothers at the Brickyard bringing their sibling rivalry to a boil. It wasn't a multi-round feud, like the Jimmy Spencer-Kurt Busch fight.

No, it was just good, strong, stock-car auto racing - as in the National Association of.

Yeah, I understand pandering to the high dollar, a practice as old as the gi-normous TV broadcast contract, the collateral damage of advertising assurances. Michael Jordan, if you recall, used to get fouled during warm-ups. Now, Tom Brady has a force field, visible to officials only, that once breached triggers an immediate flag.

I also understand the concept of respecting one's elders. It's a basic unwritten rule in every facet of life, and it harkens back to the chivalrous days of old. No one, after all, wants to get ridiculed for knocking poor grandpa's dentures onto the track during a national broadcast. But really, who's that old in the Chase? And furthermore, it's a violation of the athletic code, which mandates that athletes use every scrap of strength and skill during competition so that no excuses may be later uttered (which also doubles as an advertising assurance, actually; good competition means happy advertisers).

And yes, I understand that NASCAR doesn't want to compromise the Chase with a regrettable and otherwise avoidable situation, particularly when a rookie is involved. The damn buzzards would pick him alive. But protecting Brad isn't the point. No, it goes back to protecting NASCAR's product, as ill-conceived and out-of-place as it may be given the circumstances of their particular playoffs. For NASCAR, while understandable, it's also a contradiction.

Why (in one word)? Talladega. Why (in two words)? Michael Waltrip. Why (in three words, one number and a parenthetical phrase)? I count 43 drivers (even in the Chase races). Why (in a multiple-word rant)? NASCAR is essentially pulling the equivalent of a team order, which NASCAR has previously tabooed, drivers have publicly guffawed, and fans have soundly scorned. It's a gross extension of the phantom debris caution, a blatant manipulation of the outcome of the race by the governing officials of the sport.

Really, if NASCAR wants to minimize outside factors playing a part in the Chase, there are lots of options that don't have the reactive smack of intrusive meddling. Go to the oft-mentioned two separate points systems. Line up the non-Chasers behind the Chasers on every restart. Put restrictor plates on all non-Chasers. Have two heats. Or if NASCAR really wants to avoid non-Chasers interference in the outcome of a race, only race the 12 cars.

That would be great for the product.

Actually, don't do that. You see, I'm overreacting to something that hasn't occurred, just like the Keselowski warning. Naw, instead, just let 'em race, all of them.

Or, I suppose, we could go back to the old points system?

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