Hey, have you guys read anything about Danica Patrick's potential move to NASCAR? Yeah, probably not, it's been easy to miss. Since there isn't much going on in NASCAR right now, it's a wonder she's not garnering more media attention. But don't worry, to fulfill the public service pledge in my From the Couch employee manual (and buck current convention), I thought I would take the time to cover Danica's pending career decision.
So, Danica, she's an attractive female race car driver. No, she doesn't race stock cars. She races those plastic kit cars with wings and no windshields in that one series. Apparently they only have a single race a year, but it's a really big one, lasting like a month or something.
Danica's a pretty good driver, maybe at times marginal. She won once, and finished the season fifth in points. She's also had the good fortune of working for high-profile owners with an eye for talent. Her current employer is Michael Andretti, and she used to work for David Letterman.
Given her good looks, Danica is also rather effective at marketing. She stars in a lot of jolly TV commercials designed to make you buy their product because it's just so silly that Danica is living an inverted stereotype, like always getting pulled over by female officers or getting asked to sign some slob's man boobs. She races a Honda and is sponsored by Boost Mobile, a really fast-acting diuretic, and GoDaddy.com, a support Web site for first time fathers. She's also modeled, provocatively, in a blatant attempt to contrast her sport and her sex. It seems to have worked.
Unfortunately for Danica, her marketing quotient is being stymied by the series she races in. Apparently, the 2 a.m. Sunday broadcast on Telemundo Sports is cutting into her exposure. Hence, her interest in NASCAR. She's met with many of the major names in the sport, only to have them denounce her interest. Then, reportedly, she went and signed a three-year deal with her former employer, scuttling all further media attention.
But lest you think her interest in NASCAR is for the money only, Michael Waltrip says no. This makes Michael either the most gullible owner alive, or the most gullible man alive. Yeah, this is a spiritual endeavor, for the love of sport.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. said that he would welcome her to NASCAR. I'm envisioning a party in his basement, but it's possible he means an actual race. Of course, what he'd really like is to pass along the disproportionate success and popularity torch and, thus, his hospitable timbre.
Jack Roush says that any plan where she shares time between her series and NASCAR won't work. I'm paraphrasing, but he basically said that her history indicates that success will elude her in stock cars. Given the performance of Roush Fenway Racing as of late, it's highly probable that he's speaking about a future on his team.
So, three nays and a contract in hand pretty much assure that Danica is staying put. Sadly, we won't be seeing her swapping fingernail polish with Mr. Speed for 35th in points.
But then recently Rick Hendrick was quoted as saying that Danica is inconsequential to NASCAR. Those are strong words, implying that her "money" won't spend in the closed wheel world. This can mean only one thing: he's lying. What he really means is that he hasn't signed her just yet, and he's devaluing Danica in the eyes of her negotiators and his opponents. In other words, he's prepping her room at the inn.
Yup, be prepared to get bludgeoned with Danica Patrick promos for the Nationwide Series in 2010. Hey, it could be worse. We could be talking about someone less easy on the eyes making the jump to NASCAR, like say Sam Hornish Jr.
Oh, wait...
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